I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
