Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
