I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
