I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
