I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
