how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
