he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
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you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
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it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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