you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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