i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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