I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
