Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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