I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I got inside last night via doggy door
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
