So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
