the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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