his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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