I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
