if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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