Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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