saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
