a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
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I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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