Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
