just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
