dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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