I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
