I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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