He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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