I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
