I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
