I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
