I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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