I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
