just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
