I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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