So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
