My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
