i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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