The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
