remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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