I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
