I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
