We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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