I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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