I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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