hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Come on in and take your pants off
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