i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
