I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
