Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
