I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
