All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
