I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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