I'm so fucking centered right now
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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