So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
