Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
