I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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