Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
As shirtless as possible
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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