i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
