We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
