And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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