Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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