I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
