I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
