I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
