The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
