She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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