shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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